IMAGO COUPLES THERAPY

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Working with an Imago therapist would help Emma and Phillip acknowledge that being polar opposites emotionally does not mean one is right and the other is wrong.

It actually means they balance each other out, but with inconsistent connection.

During therapy, Emma and Phillip will realise that Emma's concern for the relationship and initiating therapy not only saved their marriage, but made it a more fulfilling and safe space than they had ever imagined it could be. 

Emma may learn that criticising Phillip about what he 'wasn't doing' was not helpful in getting him to actually meet any of her needs. When explored in therapy using Imago tools, something clicked; she actually didn't know what her needs were or how she would like them met. 

She recognised that those needs had never been met. As much as she wished Phillip be the the supportive and safe husband she needed; she was not clear in requesting ways for him to do so.

Phillip may recognise that by magnifying the importance for respect and success in his life, he was overcompensating with long hours at work to cover unacknowledged needs; namely to be himself, without the pressure of expectations and roles. He discovered Emma was willing and able to witness the genuine parts he often hid, especially the vulnerable ones, like his fear of being invisible or unwanted. 

By the time they were ready to finish therapy, they had both accepted that their relationship prior to therapy was built on uncertainty and emotional immaturity. 

Neither of them had healthy role models, nor healthy emotional attachments prior to meeting.

When Phillip was able to pause without getting defensive and listen to Emma with empathy, he could see he was hurting her.. 

While this was never his intention, he could accept that he was emotionally shut off from all feelings; because he was not confident to experience or embrace them.

He even recalled a time his mother had slapped him across the face for crying and saw the lifelong impact that trauma had unknowingly caused him. 

He could see that Emma's request to be more emotionally warm and available meant he could let his guard down and feel connected and safe with her. 

 He soon decided to reduce his working week to 40 hours and made sure he spent time at least twice a week.

He finally understood that quality time Emma had been asking for meant nature walks, weekend picnics or regular but small gestures of affection. He came to see and understand the positive impact this had on her. 

Emma was able to see that her constant critique of Phillip was driving him further away and into his work and hobbies. 

When she listened with empathy, she heard how attacked Phillip felt in the relationship which explained his recent lack of investment.

She learnt to replace the bad faith she had developed about Phillip into a hope that with clear and specific invitations, Phillip was very willing to help her feel loved.  

Emma also realised that in focusing on asking everyone else to love her well that she was fuelling patterns of self-neglect that undermined any efforts they made to fill her cup. 

Emma became more self-aware and self-serving than she had ever been allowed to before, because she realised it was unfair to expect others to love her better than she even loved and cared for herself. 

Using many of the tools and resources learnt in therapy, Emma and Phillip became more connected and intimate. 

They felt prepared and experienced to work through any challenge or disagreement without the need to argue, criticize or get defensive.