Natural Creative Therapy & Counselling

Do you relate to Emma & phillip?

Emma

Emma is anxiously attached. She feels lots of feelings and is looking for emotional support.

She never had a strong bond with her parents, both worked and she spent long periods of childhood looking after herself and sometimes her siblings.

Emma wants nothing less than a deep, affectionate, emotionally present partner and becomes quite critical and clingy when Phillip goes golfing on the weekends or to the pub with colleagues after work.

Emma tells Phillip regularly that he no longer makes her a priority or chooses to spend time with her.

After years of nagging, complaints and threats to leave, Emma initiates couples therapy as a last resort but she is exhausted and has lost most of her faith in Phillip's ability to see and hear her and her needs because she believes she has been communicating these over and over again. She's tired of the arguments and stone-walling.

She hopes therapy will change Phillip.

Phillip

Phillip is not into feelings. He is a corporate that works 60 hour weeks and prides himself on appearing successful, wealthy and competent.

Phillip grew up in a home of 4 boys in a family that struggled to make ends meet; he was given everything he needed to survive but even when he had a tough time, he kept his feelings to himself.

Phillip is willing to start couples therapy but pretty skeptical. He comes because he does not want to lose Emma.

Contrary to her opinions, he thinks the relationship is 'fine'.

He is not very expressive and rarely shows feelings except in rare situations in which he explodes and then quickly withdraws.

He does not see issues in the relationship and accuses Emma of getting 'carried away' with her feelings. He believes she is the one that will benefit from therapy and hopes he can continue without much change.

He hopes therapy will change Emma

What could this relationship look like if both committed to working with an Imago therapist?

Working with an Imago therapist would help Emma and Phillip acknowledge that being polar opposites emotionally does not mean one is right and the other is wrong.

It actually means they balance each other out, but with inconsistent connection.

During therapy, Emma and Phillip will realise that Emma's concern for the relationship and initiating therapy not only saved their marriage, but made it a more fulfilling and safe space than they had ever imagined it could be.

Phillip may recognise that by magnifying the importance for respect and success in his life, he was overcompensating with long hours at work to cover unacknowledged needs; to be himself, without the pressure of expectations and roles. He discovered Emma was willing and able to witness the genuine parts he often hid, especially the vulnerable ones, like his fear of being invisible or unwanted.

Emma may learn that criticising Phillip about what he 'wasn't doing' was not helpful in getting him to actually meet any of her needs. When explored in therapy using Imago tools, something clicked; she actually didn't know what her needs were or how she would like them met.

She recognised that those needs had never been met. As much as she wished Phillip be the the supportive and safe husband she needed; she was not clearing requesting ways for him to do so.

By the time they were ready to finish therapy, they had both accepted that their relationship prior to therapy was built on uncertainty and emotional immaturity.

Neither of them had healthy role models, nor healthy emotional attachments prior to meeting and Emma had tried therapy once or twice but didn't ever find a therapist that she felt connected with.

When Phillip was able to pause without getting defensive and listen to Emma with empathy, he could see he was hurting her..

While this was never his intention, he could accept that he was emotionally shut off from all feelings; because he was not confident to experience or embrace them.

He even recalled a time his mother had slapped him across the face for crying and saw the lifelong impact that trauma had unknowingly caused him.

He could see that Emma's request to be more emotionally warm and available meant he could let his guard down and feel connected and safe with her.

He soon decided to reduce his working week to 40 hours and made sure he spent time at least once a week.

He finally understood that quality time meant nature walks, weekend picnics or regualr but small gestures of affection. He came to see and understand the positive impact this had on her.

Emma was able to see that her constant critique of Phillip was driving him further away and into his work and hobbies.

When she listened with empathy, she heard how attacked Phillip felt in the relationship which explained his recent lack of investment.

She learnt to replace the bad faith she had developed about Phillip into a hope that with clear and specific invitations, Phillip was very willing to help her feel loved.

Emma also realised that in focusing on asking everyone else to love her well that she was fuelling patterns of self-neglect that undermined any efforts they made to fill her cup. Emma became more self-aware and self-serving than she had ever been allowed to before, because she realised it was unfair to expect others to love her better than she even loved and cared for herself.

Using many of the tools and resources learnt in therapy, Emma and Phillip became more connected and intimate. They felt prepared and experienced to work through any challenge or disagreement without the need to argue, criticize or get defensive.

Recent Reviews

What previous clients have said.....

"Therapy with Bec has given me better perspective and understanding of myself and the people in my life, which I have found way more helpful than traditional psychology methods.

The few sessions I have had have honestly been more helpful than any other style of therapy I have ever tried."

"Bec has provided clarity around the root causes that have contributed to our tension and challenges.

The tools and strategies have allowed us to think and discuss things differently and we can start to make some conscious changes.

As we continue therapy, we become better engaged, connected and are much happier and more positive about our future".

Empowering you to connect consciously

Why Imago Therapy?

Imago therapists approach therapy with a belief that:

All couples naturally approach a stage of conflict after the romantic stage wears off.....This conflict is actually an opportunity to explore what past experiences and pain we have not processed are impacting dynamics within the current relationship. We can use this pain to motivate growth; or avoid it and find coping mechanisms.

We live in a culture where emotional maturation is rare. Many of us have not emotionally matured and operate primarily unconsciously. Without the tools or experiences to regulate and chose a response to stimulus around us, most couples wind up in highly emotionally-charged, self-protective war zones. This is symptomatic of a lack of experience within a culture to teach the skills required; not any dysfunction or 'problem' with the individuals.

Your partner is attracted to you (and you to your partner) because you were just the right blend of what they want more of and what hurts you the most. This puts them in the best place to support both their own growth and yours in a multidimensional healing process, all within the framework of an existing relationship.

IMAGO COUPLES THERAPY